IMPOSTER SYNDROME


 

IMPOSTER SYNDROME


·         Imposter syndrome -  when someone feels as if they do not belong in a place / area that they are currently in. they do not believe that they worked hard enough to arrive at a certain goal or place.

I know what you are thinking right now. WTF is this thing called imposter syndrome and how has it even affected you? Is it contagious? How can you recognize that you are suffering from it? And finally how can I overcome it completely? Luckily for you, I will be talking about all of these things down below. Stay and continue reading to know what it’s all about.

 

{BACKGROUND STORY}

Last year, I was in IGCSE level and I wasn’t the best at my school and stuff. Because of that I’d really put so much pressure on myself and try to not compare myself to other people. Well your girl here had the brilliant idea of writing all of her science subjects during the May-June examination season. Rewind back to early-mid January when people where registering for the May-June exams. I really was not 100% sure that I was ready for those exams. I had not even told my school teachers that will be writing their subjects in May and June. Me being my impulsive risk taking self, I registered for the exams of all of my 4 science subjects and I was CRAZY I tell you. Present tense me does not even believe that I made such a decision. Why? Well mainly because I was absolutely bad at bio and especially chemistry. The highest marks that I got for those subjects at school would be a C or B- at most. I was hella crazy. Anyways, I had to grind really hard if I wanted to get a really good grade in my exams. I felt the pressure I tell you. From all angles in fact, from teachers to stream mates, family and friends and especially myself. I had always been in an environment where the only way you can be recognized and be given affection is when you have a top grade [ I talked about this in my ACDEMIC VALIDATION  episode that I have already posted]. The date of writing the actual exams came and guess what the first subject that I wrote was………. Chemistry! My frenemy for sure. Well I had to pull through and get it done and over with all of the efforts, brainpower and strength I could. At times where I felt like I didn’t have any of those things I just made sure that I didn’t pass out :/.

 


 The end of these exams came and the other 5 subjects that I literally deleted in my head were waiting for me at school. I have never been the best person at writing and wordy things. People actually wonder how I’ve created a functioning blog where I actually freely jot things and my thoughts down. In short, I was absolutely horrible at the majority of the subjects that I had left to write in my October- November examinations. I have never worked so hard to get my grades up in subjects that I absolutely despised because of the huge amounts of content that they had. During holiday school, I studied like there is no tomorrow, while I took breaks and had fun and made memories as well. The term started in September and October was literally around the corner and I didn’t even feel prepared at all. I actually felt less prepared than I had for my May- June exams. The days came and I wrote. I didn’t have a choice to be honest. All I had to do and could only do now was write down what I know wish for the best and put the rest in God’s hands to sort out.

 

{REWIND BACK TO 15 AUGUST 2022} The day came when my May- June exams got out and well I was absolutely anxious, like, 100%. All that I hoped for was a pass in those subjects. All I prayed for was a good grade, not the best. I remember myself literally waking up at 6. 00a.m because that was the time when results would come out. I logged in and waited patiently for like 4 more hours for my results. When they came out I had a mixture of emotions. Yes, I was happy because I passed really well, but then I started doubting that those were my results because my school marks and the marks that I had did not correspond with each other at all. The certificate was literally written NAME: MAKANAKAISHE EVE CHIKOHORA, but I didn’t believe that certificate was mine because I didn’t believe in myself to achieve such a mark, especially in chemistry and bio.



The same thing happened this year when the October – November results came out. Well, this time it wasn’t me who opened them first, it was my mom. I know for normal people, they wouldn’t want their parents to be the first ones to open their results, but for me it was the exact opposite. I wanted to hear about them like a conversation where we were talking about the past. Yes, that’s how anxious I was about those 5 subjects that I stated above. When I was told about my results, I was so happy because now I would get my other end of the bargain, but then I didn’t feel like those were mine. Why? Because I had never gotten such results in any of those subjects. I felt like I had a cheat code that I used or was copying from an answer sheet or marking scheme. I short, I felt so undeserving of what I had received.

***

Personally for me, this feeling has both a negative and positive effect on me.

 Let’s start on the positive. Because I didn’t believe in what I had produced, I would literally work harder so that I  would get those results again or even do better than the results that I had gotten. It made me into a better person that wanted more than what they had and it literally helped me upgrade in every sector of my life.

On the other hand, in situations where I cannot repeat, e.g. my IGCSE exams, I feel so undeserving of what I have and I feel like a fraud for most of the time. In situations where I’d have some trouble with a certain topic in any of my A Level subjects, I’d literally wonder how I got those results that I had. It drains me and I even feel like giving up because clearly it’s not for me. I feel defeated.

I am pretty sure that I’m not the only person that has these mixed emotions about something that you don’t believe you have achieved. I got to a point where I got fed up by my feelings so I did some things that made me feel worthy of what I attained.

The first thing that I do is JOURNAL. People take this for granted. Journaling has helped me go through so many things in life and it’s just something so magical. When I say journaling I don’t refer to talking about your day. Its literally doing something called ‘actionable writing’, writing with intention(s), some examples of actionable writing would be starting off by writing what that goal was, being grateful for the goal that you have achieved, then writing down all of the pain and struggles that you went through so that you can attain this goal. Actually seeing all of the steps that you did to attain something makes you feel more worthy of what you have received because you have seen the sweat and tears that you had to go through. It gives so much satisfaction to see all of the work that you’ve done in front of you and the results on the side.


I start telling myself that I am worthy of good things and all that I’m going to receive will be great things, why? Because I would have worked my ass off to get to that point and get what I want. There is literally no other force greater and stronger than a man with a goal, determination, and ambition in the vision that they are turning into reality. The more you value yourself the more you’ll realize that you deserve even better things because you are worthy of them because of A, B, C, D.

The other thing that I do is meditating upon my results and actually thanking God for what he has helped me reach and get. It is only fair to acknowledge the supreme being that has helped you and made you go through all of the moments in that phase successfully.



Always remember this, you are worthy of great things. You are worthy of good things and good things alone. But then good things only come to those who deserve them, so if you put in the adequate work to get the best results, then you get the best results that you have worked for. The opposite is also true. Hard and smart work always pays off at the end, even if it seems dark at the beginning.

 

I hope you guys enjoyed this post.

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